Ep24 The 1 Core Value People Pleasers and Givers Must Have

Transforming People Pleasers into Powerhouses of Self-Respect: In this enlightening episode of the Better Relationships podcast, Dr. Dar reveals the game-changing core value that people pleasers need to flourish. 

Say goodbye to self-doubt and hello to a life where giving and receiving are in perfect harmony. 

Join us to unlock the secret to thriving in a world that often takes more than it gives.

Transcript

>> Speaker A: 1:28

Today I'm talking about the number one core value people pleasers and givers must have in order to thrive in all of their relationships, including the one with themselves. There's a number one core value that people pleasers and givers and helpers must have. And it's not about boundaries or doing anything against your innate nature. It's honoring, it's respectful, and it's significant. First, I want to say that being a people pleaser is not a bad thing. You're going to hear me and see me write and say this over and over and over again because I don't want us to beat ourselves up for caring about others, for being givers, for being emotional, sensitive, or helpful. The shame, blame, and you are wrong game just does not work for us. For those of us who love to give to others and are motivated by doing so, there's a m number one core value people pleasers must have. And it's not about boundaries or doing anything that doesn't feel good. Sure, you and I have some issues in some relationships where we give to unhealthy, selfish takers, and we've received nothing from that giving. And dare I say, we may still hold out hope that they will give at some point in the future. But you see, for us, as people pleasers and givers, we're going to give because it's part of our process for self discovery and learning. It's part of our process, for our path, finding our path to something even greater than what we were giving to that person who was not able to give back. But I do know how this feels. I felt challenged and went into intentional survival mode in school and at work because I was not the highly competitive type, but the collaborative and accommodating type. It's difficult to collaborate when people just want to compete and not collaborate. It did not matter how obvious it was that I got more done individually and as a team because I was and am a collaborator. I'm inclusive of everyone on the team and genuinely care about what people are thinking about, how they're feeling and their approaches to the project or the job or to our relationship. To me, competitiveness breeds division. It breeds comparing, judgment, criticism, and other things that just don't feel good to us. People pleasers it creates division at home, at work, and within ourselves, competing for grades, the promotion at work, or for parental approval. Those are just some examples of how we're pitted against each other instead of for each other and the greater good. We're the peacemakers, the negotiators, the helpers, the collaborators, and the team spirited champions. We're the optimists and believers in the greater good of our community and each other. But sadly and unfortunately, the world is built on a problem to fix. Mentality. You are not a problem to fix. Neither am I. And as long as that belief and ideology is perpetuated, we will continue a spiral of healing seeking, and we will continue to attract people who will certainly help us learn the hard way, that is, through their taking. Enough of that, I say. Rather than berate myself for being a generous, wise, and giving people pleaser today I pay attention to what people in my life say and do. And if they are out of alignment with my core values, then I do what I call a relationship reset. I used to get burned out, exhaust myself, and give way too much, especially when dating. Oh, my gosh. Doing things for my dates after we got to the third date to show them how special they are. Oh, Boy, did I overdo it. A relationship reset requires acknowledging when I am giving too much, being self aware so that I honor myself and my needs. And I'm aware when I'm not. Having honoring, kind and calm conversations to seek and restore balance when faced with people who don't reciprocate. Being ready to limit my exposure to them if they continue. Taking in. Taking in lieu of having a balance where we both give and receive in a divine dance. Not feeling bad about myself or quite frankly, not feeling bad about the other person, too. And accepting whatever's going on in the relationship for what it is. All that it is, is that we are out of alignment. And that is okay. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing to fix. There's just an opportunity for a conversation to see whether we can get aligned or not. And if the answer is no, move on. M in peace and enjoy. Doesn't mean we hate each other. Doesn't mean it has to get nasty. There was a time when I found myself having to do relationship resets. A few times a month with various people in my life, I would escape into my mental and emotional womb like a cave of comfort. I realized there was more for me to do to shift the energy of attracting takers, more to do to embrace the energy of mutual giving and receiving in a dance much like the infinity symbol, I wanted a world to represent a balance of giving and receiving as a feeling and sensation, not a tit for tat metric. Bam. I found the word reciprocal. Then I found the word reciprocity. I'm a fan of looking up the meanings and originations of words, and today I use the Cambridge English Dictionary. Reciprocal is a reciprocal action or arrangement that involves two people or groups of people who behave in the same way or agree to help each other and give each other advantages. Reciprocity is behavior in which two people or groups of people give each other help. Imagine that. Give each other something of value and advantages. I also found this on a Huffington Post, article to help explain how reciprocity can be learned, why some have it and others don't. Here goes. The rules of reciprocity are something that can be learned from culture, upbringing, experience, or influence. Or maybe it's just something you're born into knowing. So I took on reciprocity as a foundational value and principle in my life. Everything, and I mean everything, is for mutual benefit in my relationships. And that is not being selfish. It's being honoring, of others and myself. The day I stopped attracting selfish, manipulative, and charming takers was the day I added this one ingredient, this one master, core value and lifestyle priority into my life, into my value system, and to the core of my being. Then any boundaries I had to put in place previously were not necessary any longer because they were walls to receiving. What I did do, though, was create new boundaries, create new guidelines so that I would know when reciprocity was not present. I also learned that sharing my values with people early on in the relationship, whether it was a work relationship, a manager, coworker relationship, or an intimate relationship or friendships, when I shared my values with them early on in the relationship, it informed them of how I roll, and we would know right then whether we were aligned or not. If they resonate with my values and I with them, it's a calm go. If not, it's a wait and see. But I'm not diving in headfirst into that giving mode yet. And reciprocity has to be present as a feeling and a sensation. Otherwise, I know I'm going into the relationship with an uneven balance of energy exchange. I know that my history has provided enough experience, experiences, and interactions to know that if I sacrifice reciprocity, it never turns out well, and I feel like I'm the one who ends up suffering. So today, I choose reciprocity as my number one core value as a people pleaser, I do want to share a warning with you and a friendly guidance guideline for you or a guidepost, and that is, once you choose reciprocity as your number one core value, as a people pleaser, giver and helper or service oriented person, know and trust that any relationship that is out of alignment of reciprocity as mutual benefit, not an equal benefit, mutual benefit. When any relationship is in place, that's not that it will leave your life through natural methods or through your choice. I'll give you an example. I took on reciprocity as my number one core value a while ago, several years ago, but I truly focused in on it within the last 24 months. And the more I embodied reciprocity, the more things that were out of alignment fell away naturally. Forgivers and, givers and people pleasers and helpers and service oriented people like us, it can be very difficult when relationships fall to the wayside. My invitation to you is to recognize that they're falling away because they're, simply just out of alignment with your core values and your reciprocity value. I recently got laid off about six months ago, actually. No, it was less than that, but I got laid off. The engagement was great, the work was great, but, then my manager changed and we were out of alignment and reciprocity was not present. It was a taking energy mostly. I, was giving to an organization for over eight years, six to eight weekends, a year, as a volunteer, and also doing a lot of behind the scenes marketing and work there. And once I took on reciprocity, I can tell you this year, the organization made a change and I was no longer needed, to deliver that service. So, I just want to share with you that that is creating space for me to attract reciprocal exchanges and relationships and opportunities going forward. So as a people pleaser, as a giver, as a helper, as a service oriented person, please see it as a gift. When things in your life and relationships in your life and opportunities in your life fall away or leave, it's because they are out of alignment and you are being saved from pain and struggle and trauma and, a very, difficult breakup, if you will, early in the process. It is a gift. I'm inviting you to choose reciprocity. Embody reciprocity as a feeling and a sensation, and as a mutual exchange and mutual benefit. And I'm inviting you to have conversations about mutual benefit and reciprocity upfront. Even in my business, when I'm having conversations with new prospective clients or people that I'm hiring to help me in my business, I let them know that my core value is reciprocity and I explain what that is to me. I also share with them, my other core values and that the engagement has to be of mutual benefit and it has to feel good. And because I share that upfront, it is amazing what happens. The people that I collaborate with and with my clients, they will start checking in with me to make sure is reciprocity present. Is this still a feel good exchange? My clients, one of my requirements is flexibility. Flexibility with their schedule. Flexibility with my schedule while honoring each other's time and being respectful instead of just not showing up. Right? That's a different conversation for no shows. And they honor that. The reason why there's so many upsets for us as givers and people pleasers is we're unclear about our priorities and our values, and we don't share them with others up front to see whether there is alignment or not. So start with the value of reciprocity. Please contact me if you want to learn more about, how I implemented reciprocity in my life. If you want to hear more about the examples, and if you want to build a strategy for adding reciprocity into your life so that you stop attracting takers, narcissists, the unhealthy, self centered people in life, I'm here to help.